Depression

Today I want to tell you about my experience with depression. I really don't need to say too many words of my own, but rather I'll quote the words of Job, chapter 6.
I know now that it wasn't God shooting my down with arrows, but this is all how I felt then.

Job 6

Job's Reply
1 Job replied,

2 "I wish my great pain could be weighed!
I wish all of my suffering could be weighed on scales!
3 I'm sure they would weigh more than the grains of sand on the seashore.
No wonder I've been so quick to speak!
4 The Mighty One has shot me with his arrows.
I have to drink their poison.
God's terrors are aimed at me.
5 Does a wild donkey cry out when it has enough grass?
Does an ox call out when it has plenty of food?
6 Is food that doesn't have any taste eaten without salt?
Is there any flavor in the white of an egg?
7 I refuse to touch that kind of food.
It makes me sick.
8 "I wish I could have what I'm asking for!
I wish God would give me what I'm hoping for!
9 I wish he would crush me!
I wish his powerful hand would cut off my life!
10 Then I'd still have one thing to comfort me.
It would be that I haven't said no to the Holy One's commands.
That would give me joy in spite of my pain that never ends.
11 "I'm so weak that I no longer have any hope.
Things have gotten so bad that I can't wait for help anymore.
12 Am I as strong as stone?
Is my body made out of bronze?
13 I don't have the power to help myself.
All hope of success has been taken away from me.
14 "A man's friends should love him when his hope is gone.
They should be faithful to him
even if he stops showing respect for the Mighty One.
15 But my friends aren't faithful to me.
They are like streams that only flow for part of the year.
They are like rivers that flow over their banks
16 when the ice begins to break up.
The streams rise when the snow starts to melt.
17 But they stop flowing when the dry season comes.
They disappear from their stream beds when the weather warms up.
18 Groups of traders turn away from their usual paths.
They go up into the dry and empty land.
And they die there.
19 Traders from Tema look for water.
Traveling merchants from Sheba also hope to find it.
20 They become troubled because they had expected to find some.
But when they arrive at the stream beds,
they don't find any water at all.
21 And now, my friends, you haven't helped me either.
You see the horrible condition I'm in.
And that makes you afraid.
22 I've never said, 'Give me something to help me.
Use your wealth to set me free.
23 Save me from the powerful hand of my enemy.
Set me free from the power of mean people.'
24 "Teach me. Then I'll be quiet.
Show me what I've done wrong.
25 Honest words are so painful!
But your reasoning doesn't prove anything.
26 Are you trying to correct what I'm saying?
You are treating the words of this hopeless man
like nothing but wind.
27 You would even cast lots for those whose fathers have died.
You would even trade away your closest friend.
28 "But now please look at me.
Would I tell you a lie right here in front of you?
29 Stop what you are saying. Don't be so unfair.
Think it over again.
You are trying to take my honesty away from me.
30 Has my mouth spoken anything that is evil?
Do my lips say things that are hateful?"

This is taken from the NIrV (New International Readers Version)

Eventually though, after my begging and pleading for the Lord to end my life, and He did not, I was filled with confusion, and hate. Why, Lord, would you do this? I thought you loved me? I know you love me, but if you do, why do you leave me to suffer? I cry and moan myself to sleep, and I wake to a place of pain that I cannot escape from!

Then because I saw no answers, I decided He had abandoned me. How could my eternal father here my cries and not at least let me know He was there? He showed me plenty of signs...but I could not see them past my physical and emotional pain. So I turned away from God. I knew He was there, but that night I told myself He was not. I declared that I was an athiest. Well, it was no good because I suck at being an athiest...really, you should have seen it! I'm sure God's angels were lined up & paying admission to see my attempts and denying the Lord and not being a Christian! Heck, I should have charged admission! But none the less, for me it was no laughing matter. I had given up on God and made myself alone.

Of course through all this I never could have killed myself. Even if I said I didn't believe in God, I did, and feared I would go to hell.

Of course, then I realized that if I didn't believe in God I very well may go to hell just the same. Which of course I didn't want to do that, so instead I tried to forget the whole thing and went back to being miserable.

Anyways, when they put me on a higher dose of anti-depressants, things got a lot better. They got even better when the doctor finally gave me some pain medication that my mom and I had been fighting for for years. A LOT better. But there were still some loose ends to tie up, and though right now my relationship with God is okay, I'm still working on it daily, and probably will be for a loonnnggg time.


My name is Alex and I have a trust issue.
*Hi Alex*

Yeah, so I think that's the big loose end I need to be working on right now. Throughout my life I've never been able to trust anyone because as long as I can remember I've been lied to, used, and let down. It's a traumatic thing on a four year old, let me tell you! It's just hard to fathom trusting someone when you've generally forgotten how to trust. God was the only one I trusted until my depression. Then I lost that and have no idea how to trust again. But anyways, that is my story with depression in a nut shell, excluding some personal details that are too depressing to think about right now. But heck, I'm sure you've already heard enough depressing stuff from me even without all the details.

Anyways, I'm going to go now...I have a happy ending waiting for me in the book of Job ;)


Job 8:21~
He will your mouth with laughter, Shouts of joy will come from your lips