Alexandra Mikaela ~ Awareness Warrior: ugh moments

I think I'm going to lose it.

That is what I haven't already lost!

And I don't mean prednisone weight either!!!

~*8i8*~

Before you go, "argh! stop complaining if you're not going to say why you're losing it" (it's a pet peeve of mine), let me tell you that I will tell you. (???)

This is the third (possibly fourth) straight day of sun-up to sun-down appointments.

And if you're not convinced that that isn't enough to make someone loose their mind, let me tell you more.

This is the third (possibly fourth) straight day of sun-up to sun-down appointments, of which have been appointments for not one, but three people, at least two a day, except for today.

Still not convinced?

The night before the first appointment I had an (maybe a few?) appointment(s) (I think) that I can't even remember because of being so exhausted. My mom can't remember either. We can't remember anything about that day at all except that night! What I remember is falling asleep in the car, waking up to a screaming father, getting into bed, falling asleep again, and sleeping until midnight, waking up after all my dreams changed to the theme of, "OMGosh my feet are burning! I must find a cold tile floor to put them on, and by a snow cone machine to drive on the highway with three senior citizens, and to stick my feet in, and sneakily hop on trains to a place with even colder tile!" I woke up and needless to say, my feet were burning. My entire body was burning for that matter! My mom was freezing, and to me it felt like I was in an oven. My mom also said I was fanning my feet in my sleep. I didn't get back to sleep, well, until, umm, two days later. Ish. I was fully awake for at least two hours after that. I tossed and turned, half asleep, until 10am.
I was out of vicoden except for one pill. My mom had tried for days to get ahold of the doctor to write a new perscription, but she was out. We later found out she was in some sort of testing.
My mom had called the pharmacy to see if she thought it was vicoden withdrawl. They said they were 99% sure it was. My mom gave me half of the remaining vicoden, and I 3/4 slept until noon until I had to wake up for the appointment at 1:30.

I'm just getting started!

The first (possibly second) day I saw a doctor working as 3+ types of doctors (who is also going through exams to make sure she's still on top of her game (she is)), who was shocked to find out everything that was going on, and prescribed new braces, new doctors, and possibly a new PT center. This alone took 4+ hours, not including waiting. We went down to orthopedics and got a plaster cast of my legs, which took an hour+ (without waiting time), picked out colors & a "brace tatoo" for my new braces, and managed to get out of there after dark... it was freezing, and we had no coats, and myself no socks. My feet were completely gray. We went through the drive through at Carls Jr (as all my mom had had to eat previously was a granola bar, and I had only had breakfast) and had a fantastic meal (IT WAS SOOO GOOD!!)

At home when my mom told my father how excited she was about the new doctors and the treatments they can give me, with this being the conversation that followed:
"Wow, so they found out the insurance would cover it all. That's great".
"No they didn't. The vast majority is 'alternative medicine'. You know they don't cover any of that."
"Well than why would you even bring it up to me? Why is it even considered???"
"Because it could greatly increase Alex's life quality! She could be walking again, among the other benefits!"
"But the insurance won't cover it, so why are you even thinking about it?!"
"This is our daughter! This can help her so much, and Alex is all for it!"

"SO I GUESS WE'LL JUST PAY ALL THIS MONEY OUT OF POCKET UNTIL WE'RE LIVING IN A BOX BECAUSE OF HER!!!"

"DON'T SAY THAT! You scare the kids so badly! You know that won't happen, but they have nightmares about it because you say it in front of them all the time! How do you think it makes Alex feel thinking that you believe we'll loose everything because of her?!"
"HOW DO YOU EXPECT US TO PAY IT??? I'M JUST CLARIFYING YOUR PLAN!!"
"You know darn well and good we'll find a way!"
*starts stomping of upstairs to "his" room, slams the door*
*says under breath "Like maybe selling one of your timeshares or taking a few less vacations we all hate!"*

The second (third???) day I saw the worst doctor I've ever seen. This gynacologist walked through the door and insulted my mother. She only was worse from there. She was incorrect on MANY things, and didn't go 5 seconds without intentionally insulting, brow-beating, or bullying my mom or I. We later found out they'd been trying to get rid of her but UNM wouldn't fire her without a formal complaint from a patient. So we will be the one to file it. My mom was actually CRYING by the time we left, and she NEVER cries. She was that HORRIBLE that my mom started watering up and I didn't talk the entire time because I was so AFFRAID and INTIMIDATED by this ROYAL B**** (pardon my french...I am just so upset about now!)!!! We then went to my mom's appointment, only to find they would not take our insurance either (so far they've taken none of our doctors), so after waiting, crying & praying, we left, with no more answers than before, except that because of one selfish cuss word in MI (with motives 100% selfish, who KNEW how sick I was & that my mom was disabled) we are basically without insurance and have had our lives completely turned upside-down and are going through hell trying to figure this out. Not to mention my dad's way of being supportive and helping get through this is screaming at us non-stop (no exageration) about things that are totally HIS FAULT or at least mostly!

Day 3 (maybe 4)- Wake up, get Sam to school, pick up Grandma Lois, and head to my grandma's appointment (at a hospital we're unfamiliar with). It was non-stop chaos all day, but we got through it (and with flying colors all things considered). Just not being at home being screamed at and being in new surroundings (though unfamiliar and confusing) was enough to keep us happy and intertained. Of course it exhausted us all, but it was actually sort of fun...an "adventure". Hopefully the mysterious mass in my grandmother's lung is neither a clot nor tumor, but rather just scar tissue that's formed for some odd reason. For whatever reason she is now requiring oxygen 24/7 instead of just at night.

Grandma is my mom's, my brother's, and my rock. She holds the family together and always lends a helping hand and an ear. We would all be lost without her, and, well... she just can't die right now! She can't!!! We need her and we're so affraid! She doesn't want to die either! She wants to stay and help us, and we need her help! God, please heal my grandma! Please, God, let her live a little while longer! Please...please!

Okay, I'm pulling myself together....

We haven't got to do any school this week, which makes us even more behind. If we can't get everything done and in VERY VERY soon, this entire semester won't count and I'll probably end up held back AGAIN. We don't know what to! I can't be in public school, and we can't keep up with this home school program, and I can't be held back again! I'm so overwhelmed and so upset! WHAT DO I DO???

Okay, I'm going to stop now...I'm totally loosing it...

Please pray for me and my family. Please tell your friends & family to pray for my family. Please put us on your church prayer list if you have one as well. We don't know what to do and we're just so scared. Words can't even describe. We need a huge, amazing, miraculous, devine intervention to get through. I'm so scared...so, so scared...

No, it's not the various rain showers lately that has me depressed, it's the soap-and-shampoo kind of shower that has me feeling that way.

It's probably the following facts that take it's toll on me:
a) I can't stand in the shower
b) The water/washcloths/sponges hurt my skin
c) I just had [minor] surgery on my toe which was throbbing the entire time
d) My mom has to help me
e) I haven't been able to shower on my own in so long that I have to learn how to do it all over again, just like I am having to learn how to walk all over again
f) I have to sit in a wobbly, slanting, hard shower chair that I almost always almost fall off of (at least once a shower)
g) I have to look at myself (in all it's obesity)

There are plenty more reasons, but I don't want to sound like I'm unnecessarily complaining...you'd really have to have gone through it to fully understand. To be thirteen years old, almost 200 pounds from reasons completely out of your control, and having to learn how to take showers (and walk) again, having to have help from your mother, and all the rest of the stuff, it's easily depressing. Before my mom came to help me with my hair/back/etc, I found myself rocking back and forth, softly whimpering "Old McDonald", not able to use a sponge or washcloth, trying to scrub myself, just crying my eyes out...

I'm doing better now, but it sure takes its toll on me and brings back some unpleasant memories. To feel so helpless, and in a way, hopeless...well, it's just, like I said, depressing. At that moment, I just felt so hopeless...so worthless, and just started wondering what the point was; would I really ever make a difference? Would I really ever impact someone? Or was I just here...to live, and eventually die, with no one besides my mom and a few dear friends remembering me?

Sorry, I don't mean to depress you, but sometimes you just need to let it out in order to get over it.

I've got to get going and try to re-inspire myself...Off to flickr!
Lots of love,
~Alex~