I Slept ALL DAY (literally) // The True Meaning of Christmas

I'm not kidding. I went to sleep last night, and woke up a few minutes before 6PM. So, literally, I slept all day. Ah, the joys of an auto-immune disease after Christmas!

After I woke up, I watched Wall.E with my family. No screaming, yelling, fighting, or emotional abuse from my father, either. He got that stuff out of the way yesterday...no later than a minute after we were up.
Nice, huh? But all in all, it was a nice day.

Wall.E- Officially one of my favorite movies. If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend you do!

Now my mom, Sam, and my father are watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. The reason I'm not watching it, is that I'm just too worn out. Yes, after sleeping ALL DAY, two hours sitting in my wheelchair had me worn out. But I don't mind, really. It felt good to sleep, and I'm content watching House with my cat on my lap and typing an update.

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I think this is the first year that I truly understood the meaning of Christmas. GOD, the Creator of the universe, sent His son, a part of Himself, to earth, born of a poor, young virgin, in a place made for animals, to experience pain and suffering, and then died on the cross, for us. And not only did He die physically, but spiritually, too. For three days He suffered the fury of hell, and rose again, to form a New Covenant, that we may have true life! That we may be forgiven of our sins, and be welcomed into Heaven when our mortal bodies die, to live eternally with the One who is God, the one who is true, pure, agape Love, the Great I am...and great He is! And what must we do in return? Nothing, except accept His gift of Love.

Christmas is a celebration of the sending of God's son to earth...the King, born a poor child, in a lowly manger...t0 live and die, for us.

Getting some poetry off my chest

I've had these poems running though my head, and it's time I write them down!

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Baby, hold on to your smile,
I know you're tired
But hold on to your smile
I know it's been awhile
Since things felt okay
And it's hard every day,
But hold on to your smile

'Cause it's no fun being sad,
Not fun being mad,
Even though things are bad,
Hold on to your smile

It hurts to see you hurting

You don't have to be strong
Like you've been all along
It's okay to cry
I bet you've wondered some why's
And I'd be angry, too
If I were you,
But we want you to be happy
We'd do anything
...Oh, baby... please...

Just hold on to your smile

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How can you go along
When they're just hanging on
How can you sit there
Whilst horrors they bare
How can you know
When they've no where to go
And go along
As they try to be strong

How can you do nothing
While the children are suffering?

Note- In the line "When they've nowhere to go" I'm not referring to a physical shelter, but a refuge so to speak, an escape from what they're going through.

Note Note- When writing the first poem, there were two children I had in mind, both fighting cancer, with extremely grim prognoses. They've been so strong through it all, but now, losing the ability to walk, to play, constantly on pain medications making them lethargic, they're having a hard time holding on to their smiles. Every day has become just another day...a repeat of the same emotional pain, and they've reached the stage that they seem to somehow realize that they're not getting better, and they're just so tired of fighting. I don't want to post these children's names here, but please keep them in your prayers...these are children who are normally happy, goofy kids with a love for life, whose spark has left their eyes...please, please pray they can get it back! To be dying is enough without feeling sad, hopeless, and alone. I can email you their web links if you would like, but I just don't feel right putting their names here.

Note Note Note- Yes, I'm aware that I use bold and italics way too much.

To Love You - A Wordless Wordful Wednessday

Beautiful,
Beautiful,
Precious Child.
I see your face
looking back at me
In the pictures I see,
And I want to
Hold you,
hold you
And I need to
Love you, love you.

Beautiful,
Beautiful,
Precious Child.
I want to
take away your pain,
And I want to hold you,
hold you
And I need to love you,
love you.

Do you know
The tears that fall?
How I want to make things
okay?
How I need to
Love you,

darling

Beautiful,

beautiful
Precious Child

Copyright Alexandra Mikaela 2008 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED (seriously!)

Dedicated to all the children
Who've captured my heart
Who hurt,
or who are hurting
That I want to take in,
and hold, and love.
To the children who are voiceless
Who I fight to give a voice
To the children who lived
Or who are living
Without love.
To the children who are loved
But love cannot help,
Only the Love which is God
And the miracles
He performs
To the children
I want to give the world
And love.

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Today we pick my big brother up from the airport! This Thanks-Giving he will have someone to spend it with, and will be surrounded by people who love him. Welcome to Albuquerque, Brian!

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This Thanks-Giving I'm thankful for everyone. For the voiceless, for the lonely, for those who you don't hear about every day, for the precious children of God who sometimes feel worthless, but to me, mean the world. You are children of God, and, if only by He and I, are loved. So happy Thanks-Giving to everyone. To the every-day people, who make every day special.

"TOAST"

I was reading a post in one of Christine's blogs, Smiles and Trials, and it inspired me to post an entry here in my own blog. A pretty unrelated entry, but an entry none-the-less. Here is an excerpt from her post and the comment I left.

"Thankfully, and friends can vouch for me, I have a "Bring it on" attitude! If it weren't for this attitude, I would have already been toast by now. ;)"

That excerpt made me laugh and inspired my own post... The reason is that any time my instant messenger freezes up (usually the rest of my computer follows. I only talk to one person on the IM, who is my mom's friend, as well), a little pop up comes up, and says, of all things, "TOAST".

So even when my computer is crashing, and my day is going askew, there's always a little giggle to be found, and some fresh "toast"!

Lyrics I wrote

Well I wrote this as lyrics but already forgot the tune. So I'm not sure exactly what it is!

One breath in
One breath out
...Repeat

Another minute going by
One second at a time
...Repeat

Hold on a little bit longer
Even if you don't feel any stronger
...And... repeat......

Whatever it takes to get by
One moment at a time
If you're at the end of your rope,
Hang on...
Hang on!

One more second
Minute, hour, day, week...
One more month, year, decade, century
What ever it takes,
No matter the stakes...

Someday...
Somethin's gotta give
Things are gonna look up
I don't know when
I don't know how
But things will get better
And this will no longer be now...

Breathe in....
....breathe out....
Repeat

Copyright Alexandra Mikaela 2008 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED (seriously!!!)

Why can't we be friends?

Sometimes I find it hard to talk to people about my ideals, the person I want to be, and how I plan on raising my children when I grow up with my family, friends, and yes, the internet. The main reason is because I don't want people thinking I look down on them because they don't agree with what I'm saying.

I am a Christian, and radically conservative at times in how I want to live my life, and want to raise my children when I have them. But just because of that, it doesn't mean I look down on those who don't feel the same. Just because I choose abstinence until I marry my prince charming doesn't mean I am judgmental to those who didn't or won't do the same. They're people, too. They may not agree with everything I say, think, or do, and they may have made some choices they shouldn't have made or regret making, but they did. It's done. It's over with. It's the past...today is today!

I don't plan on my kids watching much television, and what they do watch, I plan on choosing and watching with them. My little brother disagrees. Do I still love him? Of course I do! I would do anything and everything for him, whether his kids will someday watch TV or not!

I don't want to sheild my kids from the world, but I want them to understand that they don't have to be the world. It's okay, and a good thing, to not have sex until they're married. It's okay, and a good thing, not to "swear like a sailor". It's okay, and a good thing, to pray, to respect your elders, to love one another, to read the bible, and to go to church.

But does that mean I think someone's a bad person if their kids watch TV, if they "swear like a sailor", if they have sex before they're married, if they don't go to church? Would I dis-own my children if they did those things? No!

I don't consider myself "high and mighty", or above others. But at the same time, I want to be able to share the person I want to be. I want to be able to encourage others to want to be like who I want to be, but I respect that if you don't. And I want people to know not to let those things stop you from getting to know people

Debating isn't a bad thing! It's perfectly fine to disagree! I know many people who I have "agreed to disagree" with. But please, don't make others feel like an outcast because they have different views than you. Please, let's just all be friends, okay?

"...Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?...."

What time zone is God?

Well, it is 2:08 am.
God just showed me and amazing charity, and a child, and a blog, and a God-sent!
I have been so inspired and am being pushed...to God!
I can't wait to get my hands on a bible about now! (Okay, I'm also utterly TERRIFIED as I haven't picked up a bible "just because" in sooo long, and for a ton of other reasons)
But anyways, as I sit here typing, not even remembering if my birthday party is tomorrow or not (???), at 2am, I sit here amazed, and thinking to myself why the heck God showed me this at 2am! Makes you wonder what time zone God is in, though!

Ecclesiastes 3:
1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

Now I'm going to bed...'cause in my time zone it's way to late to be up, none the less on the computer!

"Then Sings My Soul" Saturday

Well, my first TSMS post is the same as the person who started TSMS... "I Will Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns...

Praise You in This Storm

words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms, performed by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
And it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
And raised me up again
My strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If I can't find You
And as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus


I don't take the song literally as a storm involving rain, lighting, thunder, etc.. My storm is my disease and all that goes along with it. As I'm laying on the table with machines all around me, in so much pain I have to remind myself how to breathe, this is the song I sing. For so long I asked, "what Lord, what did I do to diserve this? I thought I was a good kid! Why?" and I've even had moments where I've denied His existence (though I knew He had to be there, but denied that He was there for me, that He is loving and merciful). But I NEED to believe something, and I'm miserable without God, because somewhere down there I believe He is loving, and merciful, and forgiving, and I WANT to believe it...I NEED to believe it! So...though my heart is torn... I will praise Him in this storm

The parts I really relate to are:

But once again, I say amen
And it's still raining
So often I used to (and still occasionally) think to myself, "Okay God, I've prayed, I've gone to church, I've been born again more times than I can count, so when are You going to kick in?"


For You are who You are
No matter where I am
(or in my case, no matter what faith problems I'm having!)

And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
(a real reasurance!)

how can I carry on
If I can't find You?

(So many times I think to myself, "Am I really doing everything wrong like everyone is saying? And if so, what do you expect from me? I'm trying! Are you listening??? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?"



I think I may change the rules a bit and do this tomorrow, too...I have a lot of songs in mind!

Tomorrow Warrior Jeremy Turns One!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEREMY!!!
MySpace.com/Pray4Jeremy

Jeremy... God has a plan for you, I know

But we can't understand it, we love you so
Such a little angel, so small, so sweet
Ten fingers on your hands, ten toes on your feet
But why you had to be born with cancer growing inside,
We just cannot fathom, we want to know why
Why YOU Jeremy, must suffer this fate
You're our little hero, your enemies great.
Oh God above, we need you now
I don't know what to say, I don't know how
To tell you what I mean to say,
Help me Lord, what do I pray?
Whatever your will, we don't understand!
Comfort us Lord, hold us in Your hands-
Oh Jesus, we need You, to get through this
We love him so much, why must this cancer exist?!
We know that Your Will is perfect and just,
but God, we love him! We love him so much!
What about pre-school, and painting, and fun?
Why my Jeremy, why my son?
Jesus did know wrong but He suffered the cross,
you understand my pain, you know loss,
So please Lord, help me this I pray...
Help us, guide us, show us the way
And if he leaves for Heaven above,
Please let my baby see how much he's loved.

By: Me!

Please, please, please visit Jeremy's site and listen to his story HERE He is fighting a brain tumor of unknown type that, according to doctors, should have killed him long ago. Every day, hour, minute, and second is a miracle! Jeremy hasn't given up yet so neither are we! We love you baby J!!!


A prayer for today (by me):

So many things we don't understand, and our faith needs a helping hand. So here today we ask, we pray...comfort us, help us through the day. Amen

A day of REST~

So, as you probably know, Sunday is biblically to be the "day of rest". It's set aside from reading the bible, catching up on sleep, going to church, etc, etc.

Near every Sunday we *attempt* to get up and go to the late service at church. Now, take into consideration, that what my mom has, and what I have, are all auto-immune diseases, affected by changes in just about everything, including the weather. Not trying to make excuses, but generally speaking, we attempt to get up starting 7am, press snooze, and repeat until we miss church. That aside, onto the story...

So, today, we managed to get up, slowly got ready, and I even brushed my teeth (yet another story for another day)! Sam decides he's too sick to go, and not ready to pick a fight, my mom gives in, though we know good and well he could and should go. My father of course, jumped at the excuse not to go, though even if Sam wanted to go, he wouldn't have. He'd rather go to a Messianic synagogue (not that he's Jewish) and put on a show for everyone....oops, I was attempting to post a non-judgmental, godly blog, but darn it, he just makes it so hard sometimes!

ANYWAYS, we get there, and are swarmed by a hungry pack of church-goers! LOL, okay, so everyone came up to greet us with hugs and punches *er, pats* on the back. We greeted everyone, listened to the sermon and sang some songs. My hands were burning the entire time (they were actually very hot to the touch, and red as well), but we got through it and at the end the pastor asked me to come up and say the....umm...what do you call it? Well, I came up to the front and said "Go in peace, serve the Lord" and everyone else said "Thanks be to God". Which to me is kinda odd, because it's like saying, "You are released" (like you've been in prison and are like "be good now!") and saying "woohoo! thank you Lord! we can leave now!!! YEAH!" Anyways, basically I was the celebrity of the day.

I was about to pass out once we left the sanctuary, and didn't stay to chat long. Just went home, my mom with tears in her eyes. I got home, and took the term "day of rest" litterally...I slept until 6pm, and boy did it feel good! Even if you agnostic, athiest, or just a "Sunday morning Christian", you have to admit...it's a pretty neat commandment to be told to go home and take the day off!

My mom was busy working, my brother playing, my dad, well, being my dad, but I, well, I had my first "day of rest" in a long time.

I thought this would make a good blog, but once I have to explain the backgrounds of everything (like how our diseases have to do with getting up in the morning), it kind of changes the whole jift of things =( Oh well, whatever floats my boat I guess! =p I was also going to write more, but I think I'll go do more of that "resting" stuff...I like Sundays!!!

Wow...a nice look at some questions I've had regarding my faith

So yes, I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe He died for us. I however do not claim to know it all, or even half of it. Some days I'm "'high' on Jesus" and other days I miserably try have faith and sit there wondering "what's wrong with me? I can't do this! Christianity sucks!". I've sworn at God, I've rejected Him, I've done all that and more. But at the same time, somewhere down inside me I know God is the God my mother told me about as a baby, a toddler, a young child and now as a young teen. He loves me. A LOT. He's my best friend. How you pray isn't as important as that you try. He LOVES you. He doesn't expect you to be perfect. He doesn't want you to be miserable, or sad. He LOVES you. He doesn't expect you to know everything. He LOVES you. All that matters is that HE LOVES YOU, and the rest will come. Yet I still struggle. To have the faith I used to have...oh I would do anything for it! To just be content loving God and being loved by Him, confiding in Him, and doing things He'd like. Oh man, I miss it so much...but I'll shut up now about that. On to what I started this blog for!

HERE I've found an article that gave me some insight to some things. I think I'll give this whole thing another try after this...I'll let you know how that works =)

Here are my favorite parts (basically I'm quoting it all LOL...sorry!):

I had read in the New Testament that "the wages of sin is death." I now realized that "wages" are not a gift or a punishment. They are simply what we deserve, the natural result of our work. On payday you don't go to your boss, get down on your knees and say, "Oh, please, be kind and generous and give me my paycheck." You expect to be paid. It is the natural result of doing your work.

This helped me because: It just sort of confirms what I've always said about my disease. He didn't put this upon me! Yes, He allows it, because of reasons we don't know, but He is not the source of my suffering! And guess what JDMS? Guess what Asthma? Guess what everything-else-that's-afflicting-me? I'm GLAD I've gotten to suffer through it. I am a better person from it. Mary had to suffer through critisism, hate and judgement, but how else would Jesus be born? Look at what good has come from the pain =)

I had always said: "If God created man and man has an evil side to him, then why should God blame man for acting the way He made him?" (In the long run it seemed as though evil were God's fault, not man's).

But as I studied further, I saw that God had created man with freedom to respond to God's love and love Him back. For love to be real, a person has to be free to choose to love (and free to choose not to). For example, I want my wife to freely choose to love me, not to be forced into it.

If God had told Adam, "Here, do anything you ant. There is nothing you can do that would be wrong," then there would have been no way for Adam to express his love and obedience toward God. If nothing was forbidden, then Adam couldn't choose to obey God since there would be no possible way to disobey.

So God gave Adam a choice. He said, "Don't eat from this tree." The moment God said that, the tree became "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil." I think the tree was a neutral object from God's point of view. He could just as easily have said, "Don't touch that stick" or "don't pick up that rock." Then we would have had the "stick" or the "rock" of the knowledge of good and evil." Until this time Adam had never personally chosen good or evil. If Adam had chosen to obey, he would have gained a personal knowledge of God. As it was, he chose to disobey and gained an experience of evil.

In choosing to disobey God, Adam died spiritually. In turning away from God's command, Adam's intimate fellowship with God was broken - his "spiritual eyes" went dead and he could no longer experience God.

But guess what? Jesus gave us NEW LIFE! Ta-da!

In the physical realm we know that some damage (such as radiation) can be so profound that a genetic mutation takes place and every generation after that is affected. Something like "spiritual mutation" took place when Adam sinned, and everyone since that time has been born physically and soulishly" alive but spiritually dead - cut off from God.

My first thought was, "This seems unfair. That means I have to suffer for something Adam did thousands of years ago." But I soon realize that there were many times when I had consciously chosen to do things that I knew were wrong. If I hadn't inherited spiritual death, I would have cut myself off from God through my own choices! And I saw that God couldn't just forgive or overlook man's sin - to do so would take away his freedom and make him less than human.

Uh, yeah...that makes a lot more sense now!

I learned that Jesus not only died physically on the cross--He died spiritually. While Jesus hung there, God the Father reached back in time and took the spiritual death that had been generated by Adam and those who came after him and placed it on Jesus Christ. Then (because He created time and lives outside of it) God looked forward in time and took all the spiritual death generated by you and me and all the other men and women who will be born until the end of time and put that death on Jesus too.

Now I could see why Jesus cried, "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken Me?" He was experiencing to the fullest the spiritual death generated by countless men and women throughout the ages. He literally experienced spiritual hell on the cross as He was cut off from God, even though He committed no sin and was not deserving of death. He actually died spiritually in our place.

One thing, continued to puzzle me. I could see how Jesus, if He lived a perfect life and therefore was never unplugged from God, could die spiritually for one other man's sin (and it seemed logical that He would have to stay dead eternally). But I couldn't understand how Jesus as one man could possibly die and stay dead for only a few days - the Bible says He was resurrected three days later - and still manage to pay off several billion eternities of separation from God.

I found the answer while I was a student at San Francisco State College. I asked a math major who lived in my dorm about this, and he replied, "You've forgotten that Jesus, though Hew was in human form, was actually the infinite God. If He had suffered spiritual death for even 10 minutes, He would have generated more than enough death to pay for the 100 billion eternities of separation from God. Remember He was giving up infinite life, and infinity multiplied times anything still equals infinity."

Why didn't I think of any of this before?

Why, if Jesus' death paid for all the spiritual death for all the ages, do men still experience separation from God? Then I realized that God still can't violate our free will without making us subhuman. God has gone to great trouble and sacrifice to provide forgiveness for us and to restore us to fellowship with Himself. Forgiveness and a new spirit are free gifts that He offers us. If we refuse His gift, we will continue to experience spiritual death, and when our physical life ends, we will be cut off eternally from God and His love.

Those who accept Christ's death as payment for their spiritual death are given new "spiritual eyes". They are again complete in body, soul and spirit. For the man who has this new nature within him, physical death is no threat. When the soul sheds the physical body, the man himself continues to grow and have fellowship with God through His spirit.

Thank you Allen Scholes for writing this stuff out... This really has given me a new understanding of things... Maybe it's coincidence that at 1:18 AM on a school night I'm still up on the computer (because of feeling the need to be on just a little longer, waiting for "something") and came across your article, or maybe it's God. Either way, you've been a blessing in my life.

Capturing Their Beauty

I doubt anyone will read this, being I just created this site, and that I haven't told anyone about this page yet, but I feel the need to post a few blogs I've posted recently on a few other sites. Bear with me if I bore you to death...someone, somewhere might find my life interesting though, so post I will!

September 4th, 2008

I do many types of computer graphics and image enhancements for ill children I've come across. It is a joy to be able to take precious memories and give them a physical treasure to cherish. They certainly deserve something as simple as a bit of my time, do they not?

So often I come across times where I must pick one picture to use in something. I find myself saying, "which picture captures their beauty?"
Though I can help pictures along, and help the inner beauty shine, but to capture what these children are...who they are...their spirit...their joy! How can anyone capture the wonder in their eyes? The joy they bring! The spirit within them telling them that it hurts, but God will make it okay...don't give up just yet!

Yes, they cry. They may try to kick their nurses. They may need to be bribed into taking their yucky medications at times. But you know what? When they are in the ICU, passed out, and by all science should be dead, you cannot deny they have a beautiful spirit with a will to live...to hold on...just a little longer...not ready to go just yet...

No matter how hard you try, what camera you use, or how much your photo editing program cost, it is impossible to capture the spirit of a warrior child.

Some children don't have an illness, but have this spirit...this amazing spirit, where you know every second that they are heaven sent. Like SBS angel MeKenna. The look in her eyes, her spirit, her wonder. Yes, I enhanced her photos, and made them more "vibrant". But you know what? Anyone who saw her, or knew her, knew she was special.

I love making memories into physical treasures, but one thing I will never be able to do, is capture their true beauty. These kids are my inspiration. And I challenge you...just look into their eyes. Can you dare say cures need not be found?



September 5th, 2008

Now. Today. Be a part of stopping it

We need to make more people aware of more missing children, more causes, more diseases... these children are our future, are they not? Come on people...forget all the celebrities and LISTEN, LEARN, and SPEAK OUT!!!

Please people...for Caylee, for Emily (missing), for MeKenna (SBS angel), for Kelsey (child abuse angel), for Talia (cancer angel), for Madison (CF fighter), for Eden (cancer fighter), for Austin (cancer survivor & CP fighter) for Mia (meningitis encephalitis survivor, seizure & temporal lobe warrior).

For Mila, for Kayla, for Destiny, for Hannah, for Jamie, for Brittany, for Mary, for Ariel, for Ian, for Isaac, for Isabella, for Avery, for Katie, for Diana, for Lily, for Ayla, for Chelsea, for Gavin, for Will, for Sasha, for Tyson, for Paytlee, for Emma, for Naythan, for Cloe, for Kasey, for Emma-leigh, for Hannah, for Kaeden, for September, for Avaiah, for Bethy, for Boey, for Landan, Landon, Briannon, Brooke, Kaylie, Melanie, Angelina, Riley, Camryn, Taylor, and for ALL the children who have went missing, who have been killed, who have been abused, who have been neglected, who have fought a disease or a syndrom, who have died from one. Aren't they worth it? I sure think they are!

Get the word out. Stop letting our kids die. Stop letting them suffer. Stop letting killers and psychos take our kids. Now. Today. Be a part of stopping it!