http://sydlets.com/
~Thanks!~
So yes, I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe He died for us. I however do not claim to know it all, or even half of it. Some days I'm "'high' on Jesus" and other days I miserably try have faith and sit there wondering "what's wrong with me? I can't do this! Christianity sucks!". I've sworn at God, I've rejected Him, I've done all that and more. But at the same time, somewhere down inside me I know God is the God my mother told me about as a baby, a toddler, a young child and now as a young teen. He loves me. A LOT. He's my best friend. How you pray isn't as important as that you try. He LOVES you. He doesn't expect you to be perfect. He doesn't want you to be miserable, or sad. He LOVES you. He doesn't expect you to know everything. He LOVES you. All that matters is that HE LOVES YOU, and the rest will come. Yet I still struggle. To have the faith I used to have...oh I would do anything for it! To just be content loving God and being loved by Him, confiding in Him, and doing things He'd like. Oh man, I miss it so much...but I'll shut up now about that. On to what I started this blog for!
HERE I've found an article that gave me some insight to some things. I think I'll give this whole thing another try after this...I'll let you know how that works =)
Here are my favorite parts (basically I'm quoting it all LOL...sorry!):
I had read in the New Testament that "the wages of sin is death." I now realized that "wages" are not a gift or a punishment. They are simply what we deserve, the natural result of our work. On payday you don't go to your boss, get down on your knees and say, "Oh, please, be kind and generous and give me my paycheck." You expect to be paid. It is the natural result of doing your work.
This helped me because: It just sort of confirms what I've always said about my disease. He didn't put this upon me! Yes, He allows it, because of reasons we don't know, but He is not the source of my suffering! And guess what JDMS? Guess what Asthma? Guess what everything-else-that's-afflicting-me? I'm GLAD I've gotten to suffer through it. I am a better person from it. Mary had to suffer through critisism, hate and judgement, but how else would Jesus be born? Look at what good has come from the pain =)But as I studied further, I saw that God had created man with freedom to respond to God's love and love Him back. For love to be real, a person has to be free to choose to love (and free to choose not to). For example, I want my wife to freely choose to love me, not to be forced into it.
If God had told Adam, "Here, do anything you ant. There is nothing you can do that would be wrong," then there would have been no way for Adam to express his love and obedience toward God. If nothing was forbidden, then Adam couldn't choose to obey God since there would be no possible way to disobey.
So God gave Adam a choice. He said, "Don't eat from this tree." The moment God said that, the tree became "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil." I think the tree was a neutral object from God's point of view. He could just as easily have said, "Don't touch that stick" or "don't pick up that rock." Then we would have had the "stick" or the "rock" of the knowledge of good and evil." Until this time Adam had never personally chosen good or evil. If Adam had chosen to obey, he would have gained a personal knowledge of God. As it was, he chose to disobey and gained an experience of evil.
In choosing to disobey God, Adam died spiritually. In turning away from God's command, Adam's intimate fellowship with God was broken - his "spiritual eyes" went dead and he could no longer experience God.
But guess what? Jesus gave us NEW LIFE! Ta-da!
In the physical realm we know that some damage (such as radiation) can be so profound that a genetic mutation takes place and every generation after that is affected. Something like "spiritual mutation" took place when Adam sinned, and everyone since that time has been born physically and soulishly" alive but spiritually dead - cut off from God.
My first thought was, "This seems unfair. That means I have to suffer for something Adam did thousands of years ago." But I soon realize that there were many times when I had consciously chosen to do things that I knew were wrong. If I hadn't inherited spiritual death, I would have cut myself off from God through my own choices! And I saw that God couldn't just forgive or overlook man's sin - to do so would take away his freedom and make him less than human.
Uh, yeah...that makes a lot more sense now!
I learned that Jesus not only died physically on the cross--He died spiritually. While Jesus hung there, God the Father reached back in time and took the spiritual death that had been generated by Adam and those who came after him and placed it on Jesus Christ. Then (because He created time and lives outside of it) God looked forward in time and took all the spiritual death generated by you and me and all the other men and women who will be born until the end of time and put that death on Jesus too.
Now I could see why Jesus cried, "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken Me?" He was experiencing to the fullest the spiritual death generated by countless men and women throughout the ages. He literally experienced spiritual hell on the cross as He was cut off from God, even though He committed no sin and was not deserving of death. He actually died spiritually in our place.
One thing, continued to puzzle me. I could see how Jesus, if He lived a perfect life and therefore was never unplugged from God, could die spiritually for one other man's sin (and it seemed logical that He would have to stay dead eternally). But I couldn't understand how Jesus as one man could possibly die and stay dead for only a few days - the Bible says He was resurrected three days later - and still manage to pay off several billion eternities of separation from God.
I found the answer while I was a student at San Francisco State College. I asked a math major who lived in my dorm about this, and he replied, "You've forgotten that Jesus, though Hew was in human form, was actually the infinite God. If He had suffered spiritual death for even 10 minutes, He would have generated more than enough death to pay for the 100 billion eternities of separation from God. Remember He was giving up infinite life, and infinity multiplied times anything still equals infinity."Those who accept Christ's death as payment for their spiritual death are given new "spiritual eyes". They are again complete in body, soul and spirit. For the man who has this new nature within him, physical death is no threat. When the soul sheds the physical body, the man himself continues to grow and have fellowship with God through His spirit.
Thank you Allen Scholes for writing this stuff out... This really has given me a new understanding of things... Maybe it's coincidence that at 1:18 AM on a school night I'm still up on the computer (because of feeling the need to be on just a little longer, waiting for "something") and came across your article, or maybe it's God. Either way, you've been a blessing in my life.
Labels: encouragement/inspiration
I accidentally created this blog with the wrong email. How lame is that? What's even lamer though is that you can't change your blogger sign in email to a different email. *Sigh* When will they catch up to myspace? Oh well...
Random quote from my mom (I don't know where she got it, but it was funny...or so I thought)
"Babies are like kittens. Their so cute and cuddly...then they turn into cats"
I'm pretty feisty tonight...which isn't normal for me...I feel like a...*gasp*...TEEN! What's up with that??? And I'm actually enjoying it a bit...don't get me wrong, though, I still have no pop-star obsessions, or wack-o priorities, or any urge to spread dirt, or watch a soap opera, or get a boyfriend, or talk in "BBEEEEPPS" about sexual oriented nonsense. And don't get me wrong, I know not all teens are that way, I just haven't found too many yet ; )
Here's something I tried to make with the GIMP tonight (it's a free program like photoshop/etc)...my first attempt at a ribbon (for like "digi-scraping" etc) If anyone is reading this, please leave feedback =) I really want to know if I'm just talking to myself...I love hearing from people...it is so encouraging and means soooo much to me. So here is my plea...if you're reading this, please send a comment! If you have I blog I'll gladly return the favor =)
http://s302.photobucket.com/albums/nn83/cre8iv3cre8ionz/Digi Scrap Stuff Ive Made/?action=view¤t=my-first-ribbon.jpg
Things have been going well (knock on wood) and yesterday I walked about 35 (?) feet with my new walker! I don't know what happened but I just kept on going! And of course when one of the PTs said "come on, keep going! You can even kick me on the way", I did! And then when another was in the line of target and I said "watch out, I'm on a PT kicking spree", (and he didn't take me seriously of course), I kicked him! Of course my kicks are more like little taps at your feet, but hey, it was fun!=p
Well, not much else to report... I get my sutures out soon (from the punch biopsies) thankfully, as bandaging them two times a day, my skin is being ripped off from the tape.
Oh, and Riley's life celebration is tomorrow! (see myspace.com/bearbelieves4riley) I so wish I could be there...it hurts being so far away from my little hero's family... Happy fourth birthday Riley...we will NEVER EVER FORGET YOU!!! You are our hero...cancer isn't fair! Your mommy misses you so much and never stops thinking about you...she misses her mama's boy and only boy. Please send lots of angel kisses to her and let her know you're healthy and happy with Jesus...she really needs that right now. So happy birthday to you Mr Ethan-Riley Hardison! Enjoy your Thomas the Train party mommy promised you! We love you so much...
Labels: Update/Current Going-ons
Don't you hate it when someone brags about you, but never complements you unless it's for show?
Don't you hate it when your mother has to fight for the camera if she decides she wants to take a non-posed picture of her kids?
Don't you hate it when someone can say the most hurtful things, but is sure to say it in a way he can deny the meaning, when you KNOW exactly what he meant?
Don't you hate it when someone can live with you everyday and never see what they have right in front of them?
Don't you hate only being daddy's girl around his cow-workers?
Don't you hate not being able to divorce your father?
Well, my dad's out of town (yipee!) and it really makes us realize how much of the "real us" we hide every day in fear of his criticism, lies and arguments. But we'll enjoy it while it lasts...
On another note, my big brother now has a name =) He was, (I may not have all this info correct...it's a sensitive subject) miscarried in the second trimester, about half ways through the pregnancy, where he had to be delivered. They wouldn't let my mom see him (he died of loss of blood due to a defect in my mom's uterus, and because of lack of blood/nutrition he was deformed and "not a pretty site", plus they knocked her out because it was so traumatic and my father wouldn't even hold her hand) or even tell her the gender (supposedly he was not "well preserved" enough to tell, though she feels it was a boy), and my father thought it would be "helpful" in her (ahem, HIS) mission to pretend none of it ever happened, to tear up all the U/S pictures. My mom did it with no support, and the staff was incredibly stupid and hard-hearted (saying stuff like, "just suck that dead thing out already! She's taking up room...it's DEAD for gosh sake!"), and I have no idea how she does it. It always seemed very hard for my mom to talk about, but I've told her different times not to let my dad's stupidity and lack of heart keep her from loving her baby, and things like that, and it seems it helped. Today she came to me and said...well, just read the poem I wrote =)
Labels: Update/Current Going-ons
"And now, class, we come to the nitrogen fixing bacteria. Here is a dog. It's supposed to be a dog anyways"
*points to tiny stick dog with no ears or nose, with it's tail straight up*
"See Alex, he's going to poop...I know it!"
"Hey Mom! You made me miss what's decomposing into ammonia!"
"His poop!"
"No, Mom, I think the dog died"
"No, he's going to poop!"
"MOM! Let me do my class!"
*throws miniature rubber duck at Mom*
*rewinds DVD*
"And it starts to decompose"
*rewind*
"And it starts to decompose"
*rewind*
"You know Alex, he's going to poop!"
"MOM!!"
"When dogs, and animals, and plants, die, the nitrifying bacteria comes and it starts to decompose"
"THE DOG DIED! NO!!! NOT THE DEFORMED PUPPY!!!"
"WHAT? HE DIDN'T POOP?"
"NO! HE'S DEAD!"
"MOM! Now I've missed how the puppy decomposes!"
"The bacteria stuff ......."
"MOM! You made me miss the next part! Please stop talking! I don't have another duck to throw at you!"
*rewind*
*...*
Labels: Fun Stuff, Update/Current Going-ons
Labels: awareness, child abuse, poetry
I came across this article and how my heart ached. I have been a patient at a psychiatric hospital, though it was certainly not near this bad. But I understand all of these feelings. Though I've never been in the positions these teens were in, I am over empathetic to the point of basically knowing what every feeling is like, as if it were happening to me. I have learned to control this, though I have occasions where I am very upset from my own feelings and this wall I've put up falls miserably. If I did not have the awesome mother I do I don't know how I would get through these times, though most of them start with myself getting in an argument with her! (Okay, over mature teens do get in fights with their moms sometimes, believe it or not). Summary: I know the need for loving, caring people in these facilities.
Oh, and by the way, I am not crazy, don't worry (okay, some may call me that, but only in good fun =p). Last October I was in vast amounts of pain and as a result became very depressed. I am fortunately no longer suffering the pain nor depression I did at that time, but will most likely forever be damaged and changed by what I experienced. But that is another story for another time!
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THE CHILDREN AT METROPOLITAN STATE HOSPITAL
by Ted Chabasinski, Support Coalition International board member
This is a very personal account, because I myself spent most of my
childhood in a state hospital in New York. Forty-three years ago, I
was released from Rockland State Hospital at the age of seventeen. I
had spent ten years there.
I went on with my life, struggling with the effects of what had been
done to me. I worked my way through college, got married, became an
attorney. I never forgot what happened to me at Rockland State
Hospital, but I never had to look this experience in the face again.
Until now.
A few months ago, as an advocate for the Office of Patients' Rights,
I was asked to go down to Los Angeles and assist the regular advocate
at Metropolitan State Hospital. Early in June, many children had been
transferred to Metro from Camarillo State Hospital, where most of
the kids in the state hospital system had been. Camarillo, a prime
piece of real estate in a beautiful setting, is being closed. The
facility is being sold to developers.
Half of the children shipped to Metro are black, about a third white,
about 15% Hispanic. Virtually all of them, as one would expect, are
from poor or broken families. The overwhelming majority are sent by
Los Angeles County, which has purchased many beds from the state for
the children in its charge who "need long-term care." One third are
girls, two thirds are boys. The program is described by the hospital
as designed for kids ages seven to seventeen. At present I believe
the youngest child is eleven, although younger ones are expected to
arrive soon. Bed space is available for 120 children. About 75 are
there now. This number will increase, as more children, some of them
disabled, are expected to be shipped down from Napa State Hospital in
the next few months. The plan of the State Department of Mental
Health is to concentrate all of the children in the state hospital
system at Metropolitan.
The only outdoor space the children at Metropolitan have is tiny
patios with barbed wire fences. The hospital has interpreted state
law to require that the children not be given grounds passes, because
this would put them into contact with adult patients. So the children
are locked down for most of the time. Over the last few months, under
some pressure, the hospital now has the kids, at least those who have
reached certain "levels", taken for escorted walks. These walks, like
most of what is done there, are called "therapeutic." As you can
imagine, there is much anger and pent-up energy.
The regular advocate had heard of an incident where a
fourteen-year-old girl, L., had experienced a life-threatening
situation in restraints. ("Restraints" means that the child is tied
spread-eagled to a bed with leather straps and left there for several
hours.) We went to one of the two girls' units to investigate. L.
told us she had been put in five-point restraints (tied down at the
wrists, ankles, and waist) after getting into a fight with another
girl. When she continued to struggle and tried to sit up, staff came
in and tied a sixth strap as tightly against her chest as they could,
and left her there. L. has asthma, which was very obvious. She was
wheezing as she spoke with us. Soon after having the chest strap tied
down, she started choking and gasping for breath. Staff were nowhere
in sight. Some of the other girls ran for help, but staff took their
time about getting there. L. reported she was put in restraints
frequently. When I looked at her chart later, it confirmed that she
was tied to the bed several times a week. There was little explanation
of why, and of course no note that her life had been endangered.
The first thing that struck me as I spoke with L. and the other kids
who were witnesses was how little they would fit the stereotype of
"mental patients". They were some of the most appealing kids I had
ever met. I told them about my own experience, very briefly, and this
seemed to make a strong impression.
I spoke with T., a very articulate seventeen-year-old who I noticed
was an excellent witness. She was able to tell me very clearly what
had been done to L. in a way that few people I have interviewed as an
attorney can do. One of the first things T. said to me is that she
expected, when she reaches her eighteenth birthday in a few months,
that she will be sent to one of the adult units, and that she will
spend the rest of her life there. It was very hard for me not to
burst into tears, because this is exactly what I myself faced at age
sixteen in Rockland. I looked at the despair in the face of this
appealing young girl and felt more anger at the system that had done
this than I've felt in many years. T. has spent a year and a half in
state hospitals. I believe this is shorter than the average stay.
Shortly after I spoke with T., I saw a figure walking down the
hallway, stumbling around like an eighty-year-old who had had a
stroke, and I wondered what an old woman was doing on the children's
wards. As she came closer, I saw that it was T., so drugged that she
had trouble walking properly. She is being given five kinds of
psychiatric drugs. Her body is bloated and her hands shake. If she is
ever allowed to leave the hospital, she will be sent out into the
world with tardive dyskinesia, at age eighteen. (Tardive dyskinesia
is a very common kind of brain damage caused by psychiatric drugs.
The most obvious outward sign of it is that the victim's mouth and
tongue twitch uncontrollably.)
I skimmed T's chart. Among other nonsense, it said that she is
"resistant to therapy" because she sleeps much of the day. I
remembered how I too had slept as much as I could at Rockland State
Hospital, to block out the horror of my surroundings. But I never
had to deal with the horror of having my brain burned out by
psychiatric drugs.
As I went around the units, trying to speak to as many children as
possible, I noticed many kids passed out on the sofas and benches in
the middle of the day. Virtually all the children are drugged, though
few have diagnoses that would really justify it. Restraints are used
liberally for the slightest infraction.
But what is the worst abuse, and I know because I have experienced
it, is to spend years of your childhood locked in a total
institution, with the constant message that you're worthless, you're
nothing, that nobody cares about you, that you're important to no
one. And because you are so young, and you have no other picture of
the world, you have no way to resist this indoctrination in
self-hatred. And then, after years of this, you're sent out into the
world, if you're lucky...
Several weeks later, I came back to Metro, and at about six in the
evening attempted to read T's chart, to get a more detailed picture
of how she was being drugged. The ward psychiatrist was there, and
realizing I must be checking up on her, tried to keep the chart from
me, saying it was "confidential." I told her that the state Welfare
and Institutions Code gave me the authority to read it but she
ignored me. Soon the charge nurse and then the supervisor of nurses
appeared, demanding that I stop reading the chart and turn over my
notes. And then about eight or ten large male staff appeared,
standing massed in the middle of the nurses' station as if in some
kind of military formation, looking as menacing as they could. It was
time to leave (with my notes). I had to unlock and relock many
doors to get out.
I realized after I reached the outside that my life had been in
danger. If one of the goon squad summoned by the psychiatrist had
lost control, I could have been beaten unconscious, and there would
have been a dozen "witnesses" to make up any story that was needed.
My knees trembled and my cardiac arrhythmia kicked in something
fierce. My heart was jumping around in my chest for days afterwards.
Of course, terrorizing me was exactly the point. I was being treated
as if I were an inmate there.
I spoke to other advocates, who told me they had similar experiences
in state hospitals when they were looking into things staff there
didn't want to be seen. And the next day I learned that the
hospital's official story was that I had come into the nurses'
station yelling and screaming, that I had refused to identify myself,
and that I had threatened the ward psychiatrist. Yes, I'm sure she
felt threatened by the idea that someone was concerned about her
abuse of these kids.
I was told that the hospital police (who are just untrained staff designated by the hospital director)
were about to be called just before I left.
How endangered I had been became clear when I found out that in
mid-August, there had been what the hospital described as a "riot" on
one of the boys' wards. Desperate, several kids had attacked staff
members, and one staff person was hospitalized. The hospital police
had been called in, and when one boy, clearly freaked out by the
events, was threatening to cut his wrists, hospital police moved in
and sprayed him at close range with pepper spray. He had a seizure,
fell to the floor unconscious, and was hospitalized. If he had
asthma, as L. did, or cardiac arrhythmia, as I do, he might well have died.
A few days later, I received still another report of a staff member
being attacked and seriously injured. She was rescued by still
another child, because her fellow workers were nowhere in sight.
Clearly, the situation there is out of control, when the hospital
administration can't protect even their staff. And I fear for the
safety of the children, in an institution where even the legally
mandated advocates are kept from knowing what is going on.
California's state hospitals are being used more and more to lock up
people committed by the criminal justice system. As the population
changes, these institutions, never humane in the first place, are
rapidly becoming places of unspeakable cruelty. Patients languish
for years, heavily drugged and treated like subhumans, transformed
into burned-out shells of human beings whose only function is to
consume powerful (and profitable) psychiatric drugs.
Into this death camp of the spirit, Los Angeles County and the State
Department of Mental Health have placed scores of children. These
kids need love and nurturing, but all the mental health system can
offer them is drugs and despair. And this publicly funded child abuse
costs the taxpayers of California approximately $125,000 every yearfor every child.
I have left my job with the Office of Patients' Rights because, since
its funding comes entirely from the State Department of Mental
Health, it can do very little about this situation. Working with the
Coalition for Alternatives in Mental Health, which was organized in
1984 by myself and Sally Zinman, another psychiatric survivor, I will
be starting a campaign in Los Angeles to bring the abuse of children
at Metropolitan State Hospital to public attention.
Even the most dedicated advocates become numb after a while to the
abuses of the mental health system. We come to accept these terrible
institutions as a given, because we think there's nothing we can do
about it. But it doesn't have to be this way. Just a few months ago,
East Bay Hospital, one of the most abusive facilities in the state,
was closed down after a campaign involving many people that began
when articles in the homeless newspaper "Street Spirit" exposed what
was going on. Stopping this terrible mistreatment of psychiatric
patients can be done, and we have to do it.
I urge everyone who reads this to join with me and others who care
about children to stop this cruelty. No human being should have to
endure life in such institutions, but especially not children. The
children's wards at Metropolitan State Hospital must be closed.
I doubt anyone will read this, being I just created this site, and that I haven't told anyone about this page yet, but I feel the need to post a few blogs I've posted recently on a few other sites. Bear with me if I bore you to death...someone, somewhere might find my life interesting though, so post I will!
September 4th, 2008
I do many types of computer graphics and image enhancements for ill children I've come across. It is a joy to be able to take precious memories and give them a physical treasure to cherish. They certainly deserve something as simple as a bit of my time, do they not?
So often I come across times where I must pick one picture to use in something. I find myself saying, "which picture captures their beauty?"
Though I can help pictures along, and help the inner beauty shine, but to capture what these children are...who they are...their spirit...their joy! How can anyone capture the wonder in their eyes? The joy they bring! The spirit within them telling them that it hurts, but God will make it okay...don't give up just yet!
Yes, they cry. They may try to kick their nurses. They may need to be bribed into taking their yucky medications at times. But you know what? When they are in the ICU, passed out, and by all science should be dead, you cannot deny they have a beautiful spirit with a will to live...to hold on...just a little longer...not ready to go just yet...
No matter how hard you try, what camera you use, or how much your photo editing program cost, it is impossible to capture the spirit of a warrior child.
Some children don't have an illness, but have this spirit...this amazing spirit, where you know every second that they are heaven sent. Like SBS angel MeKenna. The look in her eyes, her spirit, her wonder. Yes, I enhanced her photos, and made them more "vibrant". But you know what? Anyone who saw her, or knew her, knew she was special.
I love making memories into physical treasures, but one thing I will never be able to do, is capture their true beauty. These kids are my inspiration. And I challenge you...just look into their eyes. Can you dare say cures need not be found?
September 5th, 2008
Now. Today. Be a part of stopping it
We need to make more people aware of more missing children, more causes, more diseases... these children are our future, are they not? Come on people...forget all the celebrities and LISTEN, LEARN, and SPEAK OUT!!!Labels: awareness, encouragement/inspiration
Here are sites I've used to create this page, or have made graphics I've used in this blog:
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with these sites, nor do I endorse their actions. I am not responsible for any damages caused by or related to these sites.
A big thanks to ScrapBookFlair for the use of their "digiscrap" supplies (which I used on my page header thing...you know, the thing that says "Alex's blog" and is so cute and well made? LOL)!!!
I have used http://chromaluna.com and http://pyzam.com for graphics.
I have used http://graphicsarcade.com and http://funmunch.com for icons
that's all for now!